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Saturday, December 08, 2007

What I know about "Living" Christmas Trees...


As some of you may recall from my Thanksgiving post, I had my appendix taken out a little before Turkey Day that year. Our two boys were young, and the Christmas holidays were a series of events that were pretty family focused. My wife had been yakking with girlfriends about the latest trends in Christmas trees- The Living Christmas Tree. The benefits were touted as; 1. No tree would die for a tradition. 2. It would smell like the great outdoors without scented aerosol sprays, with their propellants harming the ozone layer. 3. You could plant it when you were done, returning the blessed oxygen producer to the land- saving Earth in your very own back yard! Yeah, right.... So the guy whose stitches were out, but still had a fair bit of healing of stomach muscles to do yet- is sent to fetch the Tree That Saved Christmas. I get to the nursery and inquire if they have this miracle of holiday marketing and where they were kept. A teenager the size of a Hi-Lo says "Follow me" and we end up at a couple of rows of really small trees attached to really big clumps of dirt(wrapped in burlap). From the high prices, I knew they had been reading the same articles as my wife had seen... I picked one out, and Human Hi-Lo grabs it and carries it to my car, putting it in my rather deep trunk for transport home. All the way home, I'm working my engineer-like brain as to how I'm gonna get this d*mn thing out of the trunk and into the house without ripping my appendix scar open! I get home, snow is everywhere, and I give the tree a heave-ho that just jiggles it, with no upward motion. I swear when I looked at it, it said "I'm heavier than that, you cripple-Buahahahah!". Taking a page from history (Egyptians engineering Pyramids) I levered it to the edge of the trunk, then flipped it onto one of the kids' plastic snow sliders. I dragged the beast into the house on this snow saucer right into the living room, informed my wife to leave it on there, cover it with some Christmas looking cloth, and start decorating- I was DONE. All OK, followed instructions for care until spring planting. I threw it out by our dryer vent, and waited 'til spring to plant.
Spring came. Snow melted, leaving our backyard full of the winters' supply
of uncollected Airedale poop. I had dug a big hole in the front yard to plant the tree, and figured I could kill two turds with one stone- so I threw at least 40lbs of recycled Iams dog food in the hole, and threw the tree on top of it. On quiet nights, I swear you could hear that tree screaming as it grew.... The picture is of that very tree, 20yrs later. I used to cover it with white Christmas lights, until it got too big. There is still a strand of them up there somewhere I couldn't get down.... All kidding aside, today it is one really beautiful Blue Spruce!

30 comments:

doggybloggy said...

fortunately you didnt buy one every year can you imagine...you would have your own sherwood forest, the tree looks happy.

buffalodickdy said...

We did buy one the following year, followed exactly what we did to the first one- and it died horribly...

Maddy said...

Well you already know that I'm the Supreme Being when it comes to environmental matters.....apart from the car and the gas and the nappies....

When we moved into this house there was a fir tree on the side about 10 feet tall. Whilst we were busy with babies and other things it grew. It grew a lot. The neighbours mentioned it [they don't complain around here]

Because it was December we decided to cut the top off - it made the perfect Christmas tree. And do you know what? Although we thought we'd killed it, it grew back! Now it grows enough that every second year we chop off the top.

Of course the other alternative year we admit defeat and go the the tree farm like every other failed environmentalist!
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

Nancy said...

This is the first time I hear of such a tree... hummmm Keep it inside then plant it outside woah!

This is why I need a husband.. somebody to lug heavy stuff around for me... ;-)

Maybe I could pay one of my students to do that... wink

Odat said...

That is one great story!!!
That tree is gorgeous...

Didn't know dog poop made a good compost....did you change the dog's food when you planted the 2nd one? ;-)

Peace

Jeff B said...

I really enjoyed your story. something about abdomen splitting pain and Christmas that gets me every time.

Great timing too, we just went out and killed, I mean carefully selected, our tree this morning.

Dana said...

We used to do this when I was a kid - 30+ years ago. Of course, I grew up in Seattle where tree-huggers have always reigned supreme! I've been trying to talk DH into doing the very same thing to help populate our barren 1/3 acre lot. I think he's finally decided NEXT year we'll do it!

Jen said...

definitely worth the dragging, it's a beautiful tree!

buffalodickdy said...

maddy- The neighbor lost the top part of her tree in a storm, and was informed by tree experts it would grow a new top. It's growing back- but it sure is "butt-ugly" while it does...
nance- I was a first timer at this tree thing- I think the dryer vent trick is why it worked... that and the dog crap...
odat- I don't if it's good fertilizer or not- I was just trying to make about 40lbs of "yard bombs" disappear...
jeff- Over the years, we've had dead ones, live ones, ones that were alive and died, and three fake trees. With the kids grown, and no grandchildren (yet), I want to invent a "holographic" Christmas tree. Throw a switch, and the shining image of a fully decorated tree will fill the corner of your living room....
Dana- Welcome to the blog! Buy one in the fall, use for Christmas- save money!
Jen- I didn't know it was worth it until later- I just knew it wasn't worth it that day!

MarmiteToasty said...

Great recollections of past times.... and that 'now tree' is screaming out to be decorated in all its finery :)

Do it for the appendix....

x

Akelamalu said...

That's a wonderful story and a wonderful tree! What do you have now an artificial one?

buffalodickdy said...

MarmiteT- The last year that tree was decorated it had two extension cords running out to it, and 1,040 white lights. I would still be climbing up that high, but an old appendix surgery hampers my mobility....( I can hear you thinking from Great Britan-"What a bullshi**er".....)! :)
Ake- Well, it has real varnished pine cones on it, and I have noticed we've had it 5 yrs and still looks pretty good- you know, I think it IS fake...( I can hear you from Great Britan thinking "What an annoying bullshi**er...)!!! :)

Akelamalu said...

Buffalo are you telling me that tree isn't real???? Or the one you have inside now isn't real? You have me confused now,which isn't very hard to do at my age!

buffalodickdy said...

Ake- Have you been hitting the egg nog again? The tree outside is real. The tree inside is a real fake.
I wish the one outside WAS fake! It's grown up so much, it now blocks part of the sidewalk and driveway!

Queenie said...

Guess what I feed my dogs Iams, I know that has nothing to do with the tree, but thought I would just mention it.

Jackson said...

"live" christmas tree is available in Malaysia too!! Huraayyy!!

Sornie said...

I do my part too, I have a fake tree . Plus I could never do the living tree thing, my yard won't support another tree.

Roger said...

Awesome story!! I am glad you didn't ripped out your stiches! Dog poop huh?

Mona said...

Wow! what an awesome tale of an awesome looking tree!

The story is so well told, I could almost visualize it and it elicited so many giggles! :D. I really enjoyed reading that one!

Merry Christmas Buf!!

buffalodickdy said...

Queenie- We've fed our Airedales Iams for a long, long time! That, and table goodies- which probably negates all the good stuff Iams tries to do....
jackson- You guys get spruce, fir, pine trees too?
sornie- If our original plan to do this for years would have worked, you wouldn't be able to see the front of our house!
rog- I'm no gardener, believe me!
Mona- I'm glad you liked the story! Your opinion on the written word means much to me!

pinknest said...

wow, what a gorgeous tree!! and how fun that you had it growing after christmas. i'd love to do something like that.

Gene Bach said...

Sometimes it would be a lot easier to build the house around the tree. LOL!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Mine have always died an excruciating death!

You must have the green thumb. It's a gorgeous tree!!!!

Akelamalu said...

Egg nog, oh yes please make mine a large one! :)

buffalodickdy said...

Pink- I have no love or skill at growing things. Cooking them is another story!
gene- Welcome to the blog! Our whole neighborhood is built on sandy soil, so all of us have pines, blue spruces, and firs, opposed to good hardwood trees...
R.L.L.- Killed one the following year, and didn't do anything different. No green thumb- brown thumb from the dog crap....
Ake- Eggs- what a good way to screw up good booze.... :)

Tanya Kristine said...

thats' a great story. i love poop.

Akelamalu said...

Leave the eggs out then ;)

Lynda said...

That is one pretty tree.

Mel said...

Wow that tree is threatening to take over your drive way LOL!! Its really pretty!

We dont even put up a tree now that the kids are gone, but I really seem to miss it this year.

urban vegan said...

What an amazing story!